A pale hand grasped his own throat, trying to quiet the burn that had formed, but no amount of touch or will-power was going to silence the ache in it. Fire, that’s exactly what it felt like - too hot to touch, burning too rapidly for water to do anything more than make him sick.
‘But it feels like there’s ice in your veins…’
Shudders wracked an already shaking figure, one arm curled to hug himself in a desperate attempt at feeling warmth somewhere other than his damned throat. What usually kept him feeling alright, kept the coldness of his typical temperature from getting out of control, that had been deprived from him as of late. If only his stupid mother wasn’t out of the country—
‘Being thirsty like that, it can eat away at your sanity…’
Mercury eyes squeezed shut, his mother’s voice playing back in his head. She’d told him what this would be like, how he would feel if this ever happened. It was supposed to just be a precaution, so that he’d know what it all meant if there was ever an accident - it was supposed to explain any extra pains that might come with being injured, with losing too much blood of his own. It wasn’t supposed to ever matter like this.
‘But you’ll never have to worry about that, Karma. We’ll always keep blood in the house; You won’t ever have to feel that way…’
Bullshit! She had always said that he didn’t have to worry about it, but here he was, in his own apartment, and his mother hadn’t been home in months. Hadn’t bothered to stock the fridge, to make sure that her son wasn’t starving like this. She hadn’t cared enough to call, and she wasn’t answering her cellphone either. She’d just up and vanished with her human husband, like she had so many times before, and this time, she hadn’t even made sure that the boy would be alright.
Grabbing onto the counter with the hand that wasn’t holding his throat, the little vampire’s cool fingers curled against the wooden surface, causing it to splinter under the pressure. He was supposed to go to school tomorrow, but it wasn’t like he was going to be in any shape to attend a class full of humans.
— Someone’ll get hurt. Someone I CARE about will get hurt. I can’t let that fucking happen, damn it!
His eyes snapped back open at that thought, lips curling back into a snarl. This was all his mother’s fault, but she wasn’t here to blame, and he didn’t have a lot of options. A glance at the clock told him it was past midnight; the people he cared about wouldn’t be wandering this late, except for maybe Nakamura, but he’d just got done texting her; she was staying inside tonight. Isogai was home from work. Nagisa had already went to sleep by now… The list went on and, after being more or less certain that they would all be inside, Karma let go of the counter and pushed away from it.
— I cant hurt them. Never THEM. But somebody’s going to get hurt tonight.
It wouldn’t be the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. Besides, it’s not like the chaotic little vampire had been left with many other choices this time around. There was no way of telling when his mother would be back in the area, and he was so fucking hungry… He needed this, and if he couldn’t get it through the usual blood-bags his mother was supposed to keep in the house, then what was about to happen couldn’t really be helped.
“To Hell with it. It’s not like it’s even my fault this time.”
Trigger Warnings: PTSD / flashbacks and child-abuse.
‘All my friends are heathens, take it slow… Wait for them to ask you who you know…’
The music from his speakers played in the background, English lyrics that were far tooperfect filling the silence that would have otherwise been there. Most kids, especially after something so traumatic, would have sought comfort in their friends, their family, but for Karma Akabane, those options were limited as ever. Even if he had been able to tell his folks what had went down the week prior, they wouldn’t have been there to listen. And his friends, they already knew what had happened - honestly, he wished that they didn’t.
— Maybe there was a different way to handle it. Maybe I should have convinced them to let me go alone. It wasn’t part of his deal, but maybe, just maybe, it would have worked…
Running a hand down his face, the redhead sighed heavily, mercury eyes shutting as he tried to block the thoughts out. That only succeeded in flashes of the events reoccuring behind closed lids — Nagisa, that idiotic sweetheart, trying to use an ametaur stunner-clap on the God of Death. Isogai, hitting the ground just like everyone else. Sending Itona and the others off to ‘save’ Miss Bitch, only to find out that she did not need saving in the first place. Mr. K risking his life to save them all, which wasn’t even a surprise after everything elsethat the class had been through together.
‘Please don’t make any sudden moves… You don’t know the half of the abuse…’
His eyes snapped open again and the boy growled his frustrations, hopping up from the bed and snatching his cellphone from where it had been plugged into his speakers. Not bothering with a jacket, he stormed out the door of his empty apartment, plugging his earbuds in and popping them into his ears. He wasn’t sure where he thought he was going, just that he needed the fresh air right now. Looking back on it, going for a walk in the middle of the night, it wasn’t a very good idea right now…
Stalking down the path of an alley, Karma muttered a series of curses under his breath, footsteps falling faster to propel himself forward, trying to let the cold air of the evening quiet his thoughts.
It wasn’t working. All he could think about was that night, that assassin trying to kill all of them for the sake of… for the sake of their own goal, really. Killing the Octopus. Was it even worth the abuse anymore, trying to finish this job? Of course it was, but… moments like this, that’s when Karma realized that the government, for all their potentially good intentions, had royally screwed up when they’d decided to let junior high kids handle this mess.
‘All my friends are heathens, take it slow…’
Everyone was so on-edge now. They had been since the island, all that time ago; it was like nobody could really relax anymore. It turned Karma’s stomach, realizing that now, he wasn’t the only one that was paranoid; he wasn’t the only one looking over his shoulder all the time, flinching away from unexpected touch, flipping people for spooking him… They were all so up in arms, and Reaper hadn’t made that any better - he’d made it, at the very least, a million times worse.
‘Wait for them to ask you who you know…’
Still walking, the boy’s eyes squeezed shut again, a soft whine slipping from lips that were pressed tightly together. He’d never been able to relax, not with as many enemies as he had, but the others - they never should have had to deal with that, damn it!
It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, nothing about this was okay, and yet… Somehow, the Assassination Classroom was the only place he ever wanted to be. It was traumatic and chaotic, but he wasn’t alone in it. Selfishly, despite how much his friends’ pain turned his stomach, he was grateful for a lot of it, too. And that thought, well, it just made his head hurt worse than before.
‘Please don’t make any sudden moves…’
A sound caught his attention, probably just somebody else in a nearby alley, and suddenly his back was against the wall, taking a deep breath and glancing around frantically. For a second, his mind went blank, his body went numb. There were cages and tazers and the sound of his friends screaming all over again, and there wasn’t anything he could do about—
Shaking his head in a panic, Karma whimpered, then forced himself to look around again, blinking hard. It was the same alley he’d walked down countless nights before, and nobody… there was nobody. There wasn’t anybody here, so why did that tiny sound scare him so much?
‘You don’t know the half of the abuse…’
His hands went to his throat immediately, clawing at the pale skin that rested there, trying to get an explosive-collar that wasn’t even there anymore off.
Get it off, get it off, get it—
— It isn’t there. It’s over, damn it. So why—
Another series of low whimpers, and the boy found himself slumping against the dirty wall of the alley until he hit the ground, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging his legs. The song in his ears was coming to a close, the last one on this playlist before there’d only be silence - after all, he wasn’t going to be able to stop shaking long enough to turn music back on.
‘It looks like you might be one of us…’
He hadn’t ever wanted his friends to feel like this, damn it. No matter how many times he’d found himself thanking the stars that he wasn’t alone anymore, he hadn’t wanted them to feel like he did all the damn time. And now, now it was so much worse than before. And for what? Not a damn thing, because he was still alone in this alley, tears starting to stream down his face, and he hadn’t the foggiest idea who he could call for help.
— Nobody. I can’t call anybody. They’re all dealing with this, too.
Shutting his eyes wasn’t helping, but if he kept them open, all he could see was shadows - people that weren’t there, figments of his imagination that left him frightenedly pressed against the cold wall of the abandoned building he was collapsed by. He couldn’t do this, he just couldn’t. His heart was in his throat, his head ached and his chest was tight; everything was happening, all over again. And now…
It wasn’t just him that was being hurt. It was his friends, over and over again. And he hadn’t been able to fucking stop it!
[Text To: Nagisa] say anythign [Text To: Nakamura] sya anything [Text To: Isogai] say anythng [Text To: Okuda] say anything
The texts continued, blindly sending them to his classmates, not bothering to force himself to correct the mistakes that his shaking hands made - maybe he should have turned autocorrect back on, but he didn’t have that kind of foresight right now. He could barely breathe still, he couldn’t stop the memories that played back in his brain, and he wasn’t going to be able to calm down until he knew that, even if he wasn’t okay at all, every last one of them was.
[Text To: Mr. K] say anything [Text To: Korosensei] say anythign [Text To: Ms. Bitch] say anything
And that included his teachers, Even that back-stabbing bitch.
“Karma, honey… Maybe we should look into those antipsychotics that therapist recommended.”
The boy immediantly recoiled from his mother’s words, mercury eyes narrowing in defiance as he took a step away, back striking the counter a bit too harshly. Not that he cared right now; a bruise wouldn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things, anyways. He couldn’t believe what had just come out of his own mother’s mouth - how dare she even think that, much less actually suggest it?!
“I don’t need any of their stupid pills, I’m fine!”
His mother’s face fell, eyes wide with concern in the most disgusting way possible as far as Karma could tell. He hated it when she looked at him like that, like he was some kind of animal that needed to be sedated. Well to Hell with that - he wasn’t about to back down, not from this arguement.
“You say that, but… Karma, you’re becoming more and more like your biological father every day and—”
It didn’t matter what else she was going to say.
“—Stop. Stop right there.”
The words were said through grit teeth, his eyes alit with fury as he glared at her, hands balling into fists at his sides. He couldn’t believe this - it was all so fucking gross. His own mom wanted to shove antipsychotics at him, just because she was scared - and he knew that’s what this really was! She was just stupid and fragile and scared of her own son. And to make matters worse, she wasn’t even referring to his father properly. That wasn’t going to fly, not today. Not when he was already furious with her. Fuck no.
“Karma—”
He didn’t even need to speak to cut her off that time. If looks could kill, his mother would have been gasping for life on the kitchen floor; luckily, they couldn’t. Still, she fell silent, allowing the boy to speak his mind - it was about fucking time.
“No. Lets get one thing straight, right here and now. I only have one father, and it’s the man you just referenced. He might be crazy, but he’s the only father I’m ever going to have. Your husband is never going to replace him or change that - so get it through your stupid skull already!”
Karma paused briefly, though it was only to take a breath, to refill his lungs with oxygen so that he could continue making his point. He was absolutely sick and tired of her doing this, acting like his real father wasn’t relevant - sure, he wasn’t the best person in the world, and Karma had his own negative opinions on the man, but how dare his mother constantly use his father as an excuse to call him crazy? No, enough was enough with this shit.
“That’s just how it is, so fuck off. You know, maybe it would’ve been better if you’d just left me with Dad! He’s not perfect, I won’t try to tell ya that he is, Mom, but at least he never called any of us crazy! And, fuck, if I am? Then at least I would have fit in at his house!”
The words were turning into a growl at this point, not that he cared enough to calm down. Stalking forward, he stretched to be nose-to-nose with his mother, that gleam she was always talking about clear-as-day in his eyes. This was it, no time to pull punches anymore; she was going to hear him on this if it was the last thing that the boy did in this damn house.
“I don’t want, or need, those damn pills. I don’t want, or need, another father. And I do not give a singlefuck what you have to say about that!”
She was shaking now. His own mother was shaking, just because he’d gotten in her face; that alone proved where they stood, really, and it did little to sooth the fury that had pooled in his system. She was just a frightened little girl, trying to raise a wolf that didn’t want to play sheep anymore.
“There it is! The grand revelation! You’re scared of me, aren’t you? Huh!? Aren’t you, Kagami?! Well I don’t need a mother that’s scared of me! I don’t need one that treats me like some kind ofpsycho! So take your ass back to whatever country you and your husband want to visit next, because I’m fucking done!”
Leaving it at that, Karma whirled around and stalked away from her, grabbing his thermos off the counter without any thought. He was in his room a moment later, grabbing his leather jacket and tugging it on before shoving his feet into a pair of combat boots. His pistol and knife from the Assassination Classroom came next, tucked into his jacket along-side the real weaponry he carried. Pausing, the redhead glanced around his room, but then shrugged and went for the window. He wasn’t going to need much; he just needed to get away from this stupid apartment for a little while…
That’s how Karma Akabane found himself in another part of town, at the Asano Residence. He wasn’t sure if anyone was home, and honestly, he didn’t care; he couldn’t use the front door anyways - he wasn’t supposed to be here anymore. Just for tonight, though, and it wasn’t like anyone had to know…
It didn’t take much to climb up to his old bedroom window, like he had so many times before, and it didn’t take much to pop the screen out of it. Climbing into the space, he let out a heavy sigh before replacing it, shutting the window and pulling the curtains back into place.
Looking around, it was always strange to see how nothing ever changed in his old room. It was like his father was afraid to touch anything in here, like he didn’t want to take the last bit of their happy times away… that, it was probably just wishful thinking, but Karma could use a little of that tonight.
At least here, nobody knew he was there. At least here, he could breathe.
Trigger Warnings: Mentions of addiction / drug abuse. Implied alcoholism.
“C = 2 π r… C =
π d… And then… A =
π r sub2…”
Mercury eyes were crossing as he starred down at the math textbook he’d jacked from the E-Class building, an exasperated sigh slipping past pursed lips. This whole thing - mixing academics with assassination - it had been a great change of pace, but it didn’t change much for Karma. He still had grades to worry about, not that he usually had to worry about those in comparison to the others, and he still had a hundred other things on his mind - things that made it progressively more difficult to study, especially at three in the morning when old vices were calling your name.
The pencil dropped, pale hands smacking flat against the surface of his desk as he let out another irritated breath of air, shaking his head to try to clear it - and failing, failing for the hundredth time that night.
—
This isn’t working… Oh, just fuck it.
Hopping up from his desk and waving a hand, discarding study sheets onto the floor without much thought, the rehead stepped over to his night-stand and jerked it open. There it was - that little orange bottle that always had made studying easier back in the day. A couple couldn’t hurt much, right? And besides, it was just for toni—
Empty.
—
Nagisa had slept over last week. He knew enough about the past problems… God fucking damn it.
Growling with frustration and exhaustion, he slammed the drawer shut once again and whirled around, storming over to his closet instead. Fine, he couldn’t take those damn pills. It was probably—
“…It’s for the best, anyways.”
—
No ‘probably’ about it, actually.
Shaking his head, the irritated teen opened the doors to his closet instead, crouching to push an old jacket and a pair of worn-out combat boots to the side. Swiping up the stolen bottle of Vodka, he paused before shrugging and flopping back onto the floor. It wasn’t like he had to worry about locking the door to his bedroom - nobody was home.
—
Nobody’s ever fucking home.
Another frown, this time at his parental situation, and then all of those stupid thoughts were pushed to the side. Cracking the bottle open, Karma took a long swig, coughing slightly at the burn before forcing another gulp down his throat. Maybe he wasn’t going to get through studying tonight - that was fine. At least this way, he could fall asleep and not give a damn about that…
Waking up the following morning with a jolt, Karma could have practically cursed the skies in those moments. There he was, still sprawled awkwardly on the floor in front of his closet, a half-empty bottle of booze discarded at his side. His head was pounding, and honestly the last thing he wanted to do was get up and make the treck to campus, but there was nothing to be done about it now.
A quick glance at the clock had him cursing all over again - 7:45am. He was running very, very late, and it wasn’t like he could skip downstairs and ask for a ride to school. No, of course he couldn’t, because there wasn’t anyone here to drive him. Sure, he could have called Korosensei and asked for a Mach-20 flight there, but that would just make the Octopus worry.
—
Wouldn’t want that.
Groaning at the hangover that had formed, Karma forced himself to his feet, stumbling before smacking a palm against his wall to keep from falling over. This.. was going to be a very long morning, but like so many other times, he would manage it.
Tossing off his over-shirt from the evening before, the redhead pulled on a matching one and quickly buttoned the cuffs of it, then shoving his feet into the nearest pair of shoes. No time for coffee, no time for medicine, and certainly no time for breakfast. Well, that was nothing new on days like this, now was it?
And just like that, he was out the door, having barely remembered to grab his sunglasses off the kitchen table. His head was still absolutely screaming, and the shades only did so much to keep the sun out of his eyes, butfuck it.
Darting into his classroom roughly twenty minutes late, Karma should have saw the comments coming. After all, he may have ditched completely on occasion, but being late wasn’t actually his shtick, and everyone here knew that by now.
Eyes were all on him now - his classmates and his teacher alike - and he could only hope that he didn’t look as awful as he felt.
“Karma, nice of you to join us!”
—
Damn Octoupus…
“Hey Karma, rough night?”
—
You have no idea, Isogai…
“Dude, you look like crap.”
—
I know, Nakamura…
“Are you okay, Karma?”
—
Thanks to you, Nagisa, I will be…
Alright, so apparently he did look as horrible as he felt. Then again, if he had taken thirty seconds to look in the mirror, he would have already known that. His hair was a complete mess, his shirt was out of place, and honestly, it was pretty obvious that he’d ran the whole way here. Not to mention that, were anyone to get close enough - and somebody was certain to - his breath still reeked of alcohol.
—
No time to worry about appearances now. The beauty of E-Class, isn’t it?
Waving a hand dismissively, albeit tiredly, at the other people in the room, he forced one of his groggy grins. Maybe he didn’t need to worry about physical appearances, but he definitely had to make sure that they thought he was ‘alright’ mentally.
“Yeah, yeah, m’ fine you guys. Just running a little late this morning.”
I keep seeing people complaining about feeling ignored. And some weeks I feel ignored, too. And sometimes I talk to people who have tried to say ‘no thank you, I’m not interested’ in 546378 different ways, and people take that as ‘I need to be more creative and persistent’.
It’s time we were honest;
Sometimes, an RPer is just not that into you.
They are begging for threads when it’s their turn on replies. They have a wishlist but they turn you down when you ask. Communication has drawn to a halt. You start every message with ‘hi sorry to bother you’. You nudge them repeatedly and they are unresponsive.
… they are just not that into you.
Here are some reasons why this might be the case:
You’re trying to write yourself into their background and it doesn’t work well with their headcanons.
Your writing styles are just unmeshy things. Oil. Water. Bam.
They don’t agree with some aspect of they way you play your character (and this doesn’t make you wrong; just incompatible). <– especially canons tbh. We all see them differently. Which is great.
They don’t mesh with some aspect of the way you run your blog generally - more ooc than they are comfortable with, too much negativity about fandoms, characters, ships or people, too many photos of your stamp collection.
Your styles clash. One of you likes heavy formatting and structure and the other likes things plain.
What you initially discussed is not unfolding right for them.
They just don’t feel it.
They have a lot of threads and they don’t want to cut down on others for one they’re lukewarm about.
None of these things are likely to be the case:
They hate you.
They think you suck.
This is NOT about ‘quality’ (i hate that word being used around here). It’s about compatibility.
Let me ask you… can you really enjoy a thread knowing you had to harass someone into it? I doubt it.
I am not talking about people who take a little longer than usual to reply, because our lives fluctuate. Or people who have long breaks (hooray, they have lives!). I mean when someone is around a lot and it’s just a constant impasse. Or your messages never get answered.
This does not mean you are a bad RPer. This means one thing: You are not compatible with the other writer. That is all, and it doesn’t reflect badly on you, or on them.
If someone goes on a date and it flops, we don’t blame them, right? And they can still be friends, or civil, or leave on okay terms.
This is a huge world. Really there are thousands of us. It sucks when someone you want to RP with just doesn’t seem that interested. But someone else will be interested. Stop chasing people who aren’t. It will be easier for you both.
